Excerpt for Innermost by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

A Man Named Joachim

Once upon a time

A man named Joachim lived next door

I loved him with all of my heart

He was with me until the day he left

After he was gone I missed him with all of my being

I would have done anything to have him come back again

But he isn't coming back again

I can wait for eternities at a time

Sadness and grief are an awful way of being

He's no longer my favorite neighbor next door

He's gone never to come back again, he left me, he left

Living without him breaks my heart

I go on living without a heart

It will never be whole again

Because Joachim took it with him when he left

I can only do it one day at a time

Pray that he'll come back knocking at my door

And piece back together my being

I ceased in existing, I ceased in being

People are nothing without a heart

I remember when I'd go across the lot to knock on Joachim's door

I'd go day after day, time after time again

Now the clock ticks my life away like forgotten time

Because I've never been the same, after Joachim left

The pictures and the memories are all that's left

I'm sick of missing Joachim with all my being

Every day is exactly the same, all the time

I wait for Joachim to put me back together, fix my heart

I'm counting the days till I see him again

Till he comes knocking on my door

Time apart has closed off my door

Inside the house there's nothing left

There's no reason to return again

No reason to keep on being

I lost my heart

Once again, one more time

Longing, I'm so tired of being

I guess I'll just have to live without a heart

Until I see Joachim another time

Broken Glass

Borders loom between us

The shattered glass lying on the floor separates us

Looks like you've always been right

When you drink too many and you wanna fight

The stench of the strong-smelling water

Burns the soul

I just can't let go

Of the house that was once a home

On and on time ticks life away

It's so unreal

I want us back like we were before

Unlike the broken glass lying on the floor

Helicopters At Night

The leaves are flying

Like helicopters at night

They crash to the ground

Lost At Sea

I'm lost at sea

No one will ever find me

Can't even find myself

So I don't expect anyone else

To mend this soul

And bring me where I need to go

The tides turn and I lose my way

Wish the land wasn't so far away

It feels like I'm over existing in limbo

But I'm drowning in the waters I know

A Poem To Richard

I never got the chance to say goodbye

And now you're so far away

For you a million tears I cry

I wish things could've been any other way

I cherished your letters more than anything else

They were like the sunshine to me

But now I'm left all by myself

I just can't accept it, you see

I said I wouldn't cry when you left

But my heart, you'll always be in it

Maybe I'll never see you again

But you'll be with me until time stands still

Black Soul

Black is the color of the night sky

Black is just like depression

Black is what I feel when I'm in pain

Black is the heart of people today

Black smells like death

Black tastes like blood on your tongue

Black sounds like heavy metal music

Black looks like my favorite band

Black feels like a cut in my heart

Black makes me feel alive

Black is the color of my soul

I’ll See You In My Dreams

I love looking into those beautiful blue eyes

They way the look at me, it's one of a kind

I want to gently stroke that pretty face

And live inside your heart, the only place

Hold me in your arms tonight and don't let go

It's with you that I want to grow old

I don't know how I became so in love

You're a miracle, given to me from above

I want to be in your arms when I die

In heaven, I want to be with you in the sky

So hold me today and don't ever leave

And tonight I'll see you in my dreams

There Was A Time

There was a time

When I was happy

There was a time

When the truth wasn't scary

There was a time

When I wasn't afraid

When I had no shame

But it had to be taken away

And all shades of white

Will turn to grey

Then they will fade to black

And I shall never go back

To the way things were back then

Because I always lose

In the end

A Poem To Dylan

I'm sorry this world treated you so badly

I wish things could have gone differently

People can hate you for what you've done

But they can't hate you for who you are

Even if now we're two worlds apart

I still think of you

And who you could've been

When you looked back in time and said

Remember when?

The sharp knife of a short life

No matter what I'd want to tell you

It never comes out right

The words get lost before they come

And we can't undo what is done

I just hope you finally have peace

The one you so desperately needed

You know, every now and then

Life begins again

You had the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen

And I still see you in my dreams

Never Leave You

Your tears show your sorrow

You cry like there’s no tomorrow

It’s you I wish to hold

And give you the love you’ve never known

But I cannot turn back time

I cannot undo the harm

I cannot change the crime

But I can give you loving arms

Let me hold you in my arms tonight

Let me make everything all right

I won’t let you out of my sight

I’ll hold you until you return to the light

If I could, you know I would

Bring you to where you should go

I wouldn’t let you be misunderstood

I wouldn’t let you slip out of my hold

In heaven you shall live forever

God shall love you like no other

He will support your every endeavor

And leave you, never

Hold You Tightly

I wish I could hold you in my arms

Gently stroke your pretty face

Protect you from any harm

And make sure you're safe

But that is not our reality

Because you're the threat

I wish things had gone differently

And not ended with your death

I would hold you ever so tightly

Tell you that everything will be okay

So you wouldn't have to be so lonely

Like the dawn of a new day

You're the cause of so much pain

But you still deserved to be loved

You carry such heartache and shame

Therefore of hold you in a tight hug

You didn't deserve your violent end

But your victims didn't either

To you all, my heart I send

Unlike a bad dream we can't remember

You're better off dead than suffering

Having to live with remorse and guilt

But the world will never be forgetting

This realm of death and fear you built

With your Lord is where you belong

There was no place for you in society

You were a lost soul all along

You tried but you failed miserably

I wish I could hold you and never let go

You're still a human being

You wouldn't have to drown in sorrow

Such a harsh feeling

I wish I could've saved you

To lead you out of the dark

Some say you deserved what they gave you

But I firmly believe you had a heart

You weren't just another monster

Ruined by the compulsion to kill

But you bear the title of murderer

Until time stands forever still

Even if you say you're sorry

It can never make it alright

I still wish I keep you here with me

And wishing I could see you smile

God won't let you be lonely

He'll know how appreciate you in every way

The angels will keep you company

Now that your soul has faded away

As beautiful as you are

You became such a tragedy

I'll always want to erase your scars

And hold you ever so tightly

I Wish

I wish I could be free

I wish I could glide with the wind

I wish I wasn't me

I wish I didn't live in sin

I would give my life for the ones I took

You know I never meant to hurt them

I would give so much to be let off the hook

Yet I know things will never be the same

I want things to return to normal

But how do you live life normally after something like this?

I wish my fears weren’t so frontal

Then maybe I could find peace


Upon a beautiful summer day

In 1978

The sun shinning bright in the sky

Not a day for goodbyes

You had a nice smile on your face

Holding the world in place

But you were murdered, lost your life

That same beautiful night

I wish I could’ve held onto you

The way only I could do

Save you from harsh reality

Your eyes would later see

Winds of change blow in Ohio

My heart fills with sorrow

The smell of death still lingers here

Over the atmosphere

If I could turn back time, you see

I’d make sure it was me

So your life didn’t have to end

The way it did back then

I wish I could’ve held onto you

The way only I could do

Save you from harsh reality

Your eyes would later see

Never Go Home

It's been so long since I've last seen you

We've parted ways so long ago

All the memories and good times spent without you

You're becoming the complete unknown

The clouds seem so dissatisfied  

It's probably because I miss you like crazy

Without you there is no life

And I'm wondering if you're crazy just like me

There is only place I cannot go

Despite all the roads that lead out of here

I will never go home

And I wish you were here to wipe my tears

Maybe I'm the one who left

But please remember that I didn't have a choice

And that I meant everything I said

I miss the sound of your voice

Nobody understand the way I feel

To be without you every second of the day

These wounds cannot heal

Because I'm the one who caused them anyway

West Bath Road

I remember that summer spent with you in Ohio

We were so young and thought we'd never grow old

But time has passed and we all have grown

And now I'm left here all alone

Twenty years have passed since I last saw

That pretty smile upon your face

The first time I saw it, I was left in awe

And since then you've left without a trace

I remember the shimmer in your eyes under the moonlight

On the side of the river, where the water meets the land

Since then I've been here all day and all night

Searching for your footprints in the sand

You never looked back, never bowed your head down low

You were so happy, so full of life, so where did you go?

You're always on my mind, and where you went, I'll never know

During that summer, walking down that West Bath Road

In Memory of Steven Hicks

June 22nd 1959 - June 18th 1978

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