Excerpt for Therapy 2017 by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

Therapy 2017
by Kennie Kayoz
Copyright 2017 Coyotes Publishing
Smashwords Edition

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It's What She Wanted

Twelve years being with the same woman.
The last six she kept saying "please no intimacy"
No sex, little kissing but hug are OK.
Sex was a once a year thing, if I'm lucky.
She then said to me "if you wanted to find a girl on the side for sex I'm OK with that".

My brain began to race.
I started to question the entire relationship.
How can you have a relationship with no sex and no kissing.
I started to analyze people as we walked through the malls.
99% of couples were open with affection.
The only ones who weren't, appear to be......

Yup you guessed it, just friends.
I strugged with the thought for many years.
I didn't know if that's what I wanted.
But more and more she pushed the topic.
I got together with an old friend, nothing happened.
I came home and got accused.
At that time I really began to question things.

If I stayed in this relationship and had a girl on the side...
Is this what I have to put up with ?
Could I mentally deal with this ?
Would it send me in a downward spiral ?

I thought long and I thought hard.
Looking at all my options I decided
This is what she wanted, so I gave it to her.
I ended the relationship of twelve years.

Kennie



Couch

At times when I look back at the last few months
I feel like I should be on a therapists couch.
Talking about my problems and my feelings.
Trying to explain my own thoughts for people to understand.

I don't think on my best day I can explain it like that.
All I can do is explain it the way I see it and move on.
I never know what's going on.
In my mind

At times I don't think I understand life.
I people watch, wondering how they manage.
Are there lives like mine, do they have it figured out.
Do they know what's going on.

Do they have any idea about where they want to go.
I feel like I've been left stranded.
On a island as I roam around wondering about life.
Did I make the right choices.

Will life turn out how I want.
Is life suppose to turn out how I want.
Do I know what I want in life.

At which point I think I would get asked questions that I can't answer
I think then, my therapist would jump out a window or something.
I can't exactly answer many of lifes questions.
I live day by day, and even short term I don't know what I want.
Long term is a big fucking question mark

Kennie




I have no idea.

I don't know is my favorite answer to give people.
In high school I remember getting asked "what do you want to be when you grow up"
Back then I thought I had shit figured out, it was always "sportscaster"
I was so certain that's what I wanted to be.

As I spoke more I heard my speech impediment
So I wanted to talk less cause I was made fun of it.
I continued to get asked and while I loved sports and knew everything that was going on.
I didn't know what was going on in my life.
Why did my friends from elementary school turn out to be complete assholes

Kennie



Deeper Thought

Why am I roaming those halls alone
Why am I being harrassed
But yet I have no idea.
I do know one thing.
I know during that period of deep questions brought deep depression.
I had thoughts of suicide

Since you may not know me personally you know how that chapter of my life ended...
Well it didn't, I'm still living and I'm still struggling through the days.
I continue to write bit by bit when I feel the need to.
Sitting alone in what is called my entertainment room that's painted green.
What shade of green you ask ? have you ever seen the green screens they use in movies..
They legit green ones not the blue ones that they call the same name... Yup that's my room
I dicked with things I took a few videos and I removed the backgrounds and put me in different settings.
It was interesting.
Kinda neat, kinda boring.

But yet I had bigger plans, but they failed.
But I still like the green walls, they're bright.
Not saying they do anything for me in general.
But at times I like to look at them and let my mind drift away
It doesn't take much.
Teachers hated me, I was always lost in thought.
But can you blame me, really can you ?
I was getting harrassed daily I had to drift away.

So that's what I continued to do.
My grades classed failed me, or I failed them... I haven't decided
I was treated like a special education student.
They thought I was slow.
I had no interest in being there.

I had no interest in being many places back then.
I kept getting dragged into the office and bitched at.
I didn't think I did anything wrong till he turned on the computer and showed me all the days I missed.
Couldn't speak for myself so I just sat there and said shit in my head, you know how it was.
I wanted to say "that's clearly a case of you not being able to do  your job"
But the school was behind the bullies and not me, they did nothing to help me.
Acting like it never happened.

But something tells me if I would have taken my own life they would be forced to admit it.
Actually no they'd ignore it, after the first month when I know my parents would go down daily.
To bitch them out, but I know they wouldn't hold a special get together for me.
I know what they would do, breathe in some fresh air and be happy.
They got rid of me.

Kennie



In The Car

Was out with my ex and while in the car as per usual we didn't do much talking.
We never have, not even when we were together.
But I sat and starred out the window at everything we passed, I let my mind roam.
At times when she said little things I didn't hear her.
My brain didn't pick it up since I was no longer in the car.

I looked at life, how it was changing before my eyes.
Watching old building getting transformed into something new.
Looking at stores I use to shop at, close up.
Wondering what was going to appear in that locatio next.

I continued to look out the window as we passed.
I seen a family walking down the street full of smiles.
Wondered to myself if that would ever be me.
Would I ever smile ?
I've never been one to smile much, I just let my face sit normally.
People think it's a frown, as I look into the mirror at times I guess
I can see it.
So I just let my face be natural, I don't smile much.

Maybe it's just me but I figured if something made me happy I would smile.
Then people would know that I'm happy.

As we continued driving we drove past a forrest.
I looked at trees that were down, some that were dead and some that were green.
I wondered to myself "how much longer will they be around until someone gets tired of them"
At times I think that's what life is, just a waiting game until someone gets sick of us.
Then our life ends.
I bet we all have imaginary clocks or dates above our heads.
We can't see it.
It may even be written how we go.

I wonder at times if things are like Sims or Sim City.

The thoughts that cross my mind in a day maybe dumb to some.
But others might get it.
If not that's fine, I'm not worried.

Kennie



Is 2017 It ?

For the last number of years I've wondered about just taking a break from writing, not sure if I would walk away from it completely but just go an perhaps an extended hiatus, however I don't know.
I'm unsure of what I would want to do if that was the case, would that be the best thing for me.
I did take the time to create my own site.
But is that what I want to do.

The last little while I've struggled with many thoughts in my head.
When I originally thought of this release Therapy 2017 I didn't know how it would be.
I remember my original therapy release, it was more school focused.
Even though I wasn't in school at the time.

However right now I just don't know what I want to do.
At times it seems like my thoughts are more of a blog
More than anything.

They aren't the typical poems I had earlier this year.
Should I progress to stories ?
Is that what I'm wanting to do with my writing

I find it funny because just yesterday I complained when I was in a value village
I was looking for a book for my Mom and the writer she likes can be classed
under many different things and I remember saying "damn, I hate when writers are like this. I never know where to look"
But yet here I am, a writer.. Been writing since 2002 and thinking bout going another direction.
I honestly don't know what to do.

Is the end of 2017 mean the end of my writing.
Does it mean the end of me writing poetry.
Am I going on hiatus.
People always tell me "listen to your heart"
My heart doesn't know what it wants

Kennie




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