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Excerpt for Puns Upon a Rhyme: A Collection of Limericks to Tickle Your Fancy by , available in its entirety at Smashwords


Puns Upon a Rhyme

A Collection of Limericks to Tickle Your Fancy


Kevin Lucas

Distributed by Smashwords


This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. All characters appearing in this work are the product of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the written permission of the publisher.

For permission requests, write to the publisher at the address below:

Attention: Permissions Coordinator”

Zimbell House Publishing, LLC

PO Box 1172

Union Lake, Michigan 48387

mail to: info@zimbellhousepublishing.com

Published in the United States by Zimbell House Publishing

Distributed by Smashwords

All Rights Reserved

© 2018 Kevin Lucas

Print ISBN: 978-1-947210-07-3

Digital ISBN: 978-1-947210-09-7

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017917782

First Edition: January 2018

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Zimbell House Publishing

Union Lake


Dedication

To my daughter Lindsay, my greatest creation.


Acknowledgements

There are too many people to thank for the honed limericks you will read in these pages. I would, however, like to acknowledge four people who have helped immensely in this fine-tuning process—Chris J. Strolin, Janet McConnaughey, Joanna Keene, and Jesse Frankovich.

Thank you.


A Collection of

Limericks

to

Tickle Your

Fancy


Sue walks by with a strut and a sway,

Prompting guys to cast eyeballs her way.

They can't help it; they're drawn

To that gal who's real gone.

And their girlfriends are left to cry, “Hey!

***

I was critical, toeing the ledge

Between health and becoming a veg.

On TV? The election.

The final projection

Has pushed me right over the edge.

***

“That smell is horrendous.”  “Yes. Quite.”

“You're to blame.”  “Absolutely. You're right.

That's a fact. No disputin'.

For certain. Darn tootin'.

Those beans have me tootin' all night.”

***

“Your head's on the chopping block, Fred.”

It's not just getting canned that I dread;

I so angered my boss

That I'm facing a loss

Execution style—”Off with his head!”

***

Post cardiac surgery, Kim

Expressed love to her doc on a whim.

Now she says with despair,

“Guess he just doesn't care,

And I opened my heart out to him!”

***

In football, a down is a chance

For the team with the ball to advance.

With ten yards, at least, gained,

The possession's retained.

If you get to the end zone, don't dance.

***

What an ass! Listen, don't get me started.

Profane, narcissistic, cold-hearted ...

So much more I could say,

But today's when we pay

Our respects to our dearly departed.

***

Power shovels dig sediment massed

In the waterways where it was cast.

This got me to thinkin',

That city that's Incan

And lost—can one dredge up the past?

***

If an item's exchanged, it's replaced

By a new one, like when I was faced

With your nagging nonstop.

I decided to swap

You for someone who's more to my taste.

***

An apostrophe?! Jeez! Shoulda known

Not to etch that. The epitaph shown

Is so wrong in its flagrance.

PICK A ROSE AND IT'S FRAGRANCE

REMAINS is, alas, carved in stone.

***

I've evolved on that point in all candor.

To say that I've flip-flopped is slander.

I've amended my view

Over time, just like you,

But in your case, you did it to pander.

***

I'm part of an atheist squad

Of performers. The concept is odd,

As revealed in the skit

Where we ponder a bit,

Entertaining the notion of God.

***

He's the flavor du jour, the in thing.

Very likely, he'll soon not be king

Of the mountain. His crowd,

Who is currently wowed,

Will move on. He'll be yesterday's fling.

***

“Kids, thanks for the card. Tell your mother

Today I go choreless.”  “Oh, brother!

I heard that! This one day

In June, the third Sunday,

For you is just like any other!”

***

“How is med school?”  Neglecting to tell

My old man I dropped out, that things fell

By the wayside (I lack

Both the interest and knack),

I just smiled and replied, “Going well.”

***

Jane's not plain anymore—no, she's not—

Since her makeover. Changing a lot,

She's a six, maybe, now;

But she's still not like “Wow!”

Let's be real. She's a far cry from hot.

***

Times were good, and I made lots of bread.

Love was true with the woman I wed.

So I thought. Times turned bad,

And I lost all I had,

And my fair-weather wife up and fled.

***

That class I signed up for? All told,

There was one other student enrolled.

With the failure to draw

Enough interest, we saw

Origami Enthusiasts fold.

***

You've gotten my dander up, son!

I'm so mad and annoyed, 'cause not one

Thing I've asked you to do

Since last weekend have you

Made the slightest attempt to get done!

***

“Are you challenging me?” Don asked Ron.

“I am so gonna beat you. Game on!”

So they battled it out,

Downing hot dogs and kraut.

Now the winner's last out of the john.

***

What's the temp of a body at ease?

Most would say, “37 degrees.”

As a Yankee, I state,

“I prefer 98

.6 Fahrenheit. Celsius? Please.”

***

“We don't need no” is not one negation,

But two; this creates cancellation.

Double negatives make

For a positive take.

Hey, Pink Floyd! So, we need education?

***

On a clean-living lifestyle, I pride myself.

By the teachings of Jesus, I guide myself.

But my ne'er-do-well twin,

Who's conjoined, lives in sin,

And I'm greatly distressed—I'm beside myself!

***

Patriotic personifications

Are seen in cartoonist creations.

Brother Jonathan (who?)

Would lose out to the new

Uncle Sam (“I Want You”) illustrations.

***

'Cause of harsh puritanical views

Via blue laws, we're down with the blues.

I strongly object

To a Sabbath respect

That enforces a ban on all booze.

***

Chuck Cunningham syndrome is when,

As if writ with erasable pen,

The scripts of a show

Let a character go,

And he's never referred to again.

***

The hijackers took full control

With the Capitol Building their goal;

But the passengers learned

Of the towers that burned

And would execute bravely—”Let's roll!”

***

“You used to get picked on? By who?”

“By a mean kid in school that I knew.

Then one day after class,

I just whomped on his ass.”

“That's impressive! Well, bully for you!”

***

“We decided to go for a bite.

Gee, that man is a talker, all right,”

Said Evander of Mike.

“This I didn't much like.

He was chewing my ear off all night.”

***

From one action, results are direct

In the domino (ripple) effect.

Though each change may be small,

Set in motion are all

The events that will interconnect.

***

Your extravagant plans? Unfulfilled,

A result of the castles you build

In the air. I've much doubt

That you'll carry them out.

But I will say at daydreams you're skilled.

***

When I used to come home to my wife

And her cooking, disasters were rife.

Now she orders Chinese

And, with cabbage to please,

She is bringing bok choy to my life.

***

See this cross-staff I bear? It's no chore

As I carry it proudly before

The archbishop. The prelate

Likes joking, “They sell it

On down at the crociary store.”

***

Pre-potty, my daughter's a dancer.

I hurry to de-underpants her

And rush to the lav.

Soon she'll know, when you have

Calls of nature, it's best you should answer.

***

My friend said, “I'm fleet on my feet

When encountering gals who've been beat

With an ugly stick.” “But,”

I informed him, “know what?

I'm sure looking at you is no treat.”

***

My love life with Kelvin I'd cheer; oh,

His energy made him my hero.

Now his movement is nil.

He's so cold, lying still,

Making Kelvin an absolute zero.

***

“Where I'll relegate you is no mystery!”

Screamed Barb with rebuke that was blistery.

Her ex-beau was apprised

He'd be marginalized

And consigned to the ash heap of history.

***

“That degreed education of yours,”

Said my father, “will open most doors.

Opportunity knocks.

You won't find many locks.”

“Dad, hold on. Not through mopping these floors.”

***

I'm not used to my mirrored reflection.

My past has no trace of connection.

The new me is disguised.


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