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An Introspective Poem

Copyright 2018 P.S. Athene

Published by Androgynous Papers

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This Poem is Dedicated to Victims of Abuse


I was violated…

Lying silently, lamenting
To think what will become of me?
My face hidden in a pillow
While my mind questions why.
If time could escape this moment
Could tomorrow then arrive?
How did I come to this predicament
Amidst a surreal disconnect
If I close my eyes will this all go away?
If I survive the holy terror
Will I find a better day?
My fists clinging to the sheets
My toes outstretched in fear
Lying naively beneath
Within the dampness of my tears…

I am trembling, utterly confused
For unyielding forces
People are forever used.
But is this not unusual?
As my eyes, I close my legs
This weird and dire incident
Will bring forever change.
I'm not certain what is to happen
I don't want to comprehend
The madness of humanity
I find myself within.

The room more black than any night
I peek in search of solace
A search for familiarity
Escape the nightmare to the morrow.
I glance again, the darkness heavy
It is felt within my veins
I find myself questioning
Am I at all to blame.
Yes there's nothing I can see
But no one can see me
I live within this ghastly tale
Ashamed, but secretly.

I brace myself as one descends
Though at a mercy should I defend
And claw and strike and kick and scream

But in truth my lips were silent
Hands gripped firmly to the sheets…

And if a mark I fail to leave
A scratch some blood at least a bruise
Could another in their fancy
Think it of my wanting too?
But I've decided not to fight…
Moved by fear or a need for silence
Desperate within this dreadful scene
To not incite more pain or violence.
But does shame appear with inaction?
Or more the so if others reacted
To judge and look me in the face
All discolored by my disgrace.
Thus at a mercy I should defend
And claw and strike and kick and scream

But in truth my lips were silent
Hands gripped firmly to the sheets…

A sweatiness depresses on me
My stomach overturns inside
What should one consider heavy
To a smaller who to breathe must fight?
And so the sickness of this misery
Is now assisted by a gravity
Slowly pressing upon the fabric
Tearing apart my very being.
The faster and faster I'm overcome
Still an orifice shall not submit
Thus in a true instinctive moment
Oh the desperately I clinch.

Amid this living agony
A mind is drawn to the sounds
They call out moments terrified
Nearly silent- but too loud.
I can hear a timid weeping
A moan - an intermittent breathing
But the sound I'll try but not soon forget
Is the convergence of conflicting flesh
Moist from fear and instinctive lust
Quietly deafening and lacking love.

I can't control my need to scream
Nor let an evil enter me.
Oh, to have my spirit free
If I could erase these toxic moments
Erase them from my memory
If I could awake my consciousness
This horror may fade indefinitely.
But I fear with the fibers of my being
These memories are here to stay
Haunting me from day to day
I can't let life defile me!
Though at a mercy should I defend
And claw and strike and kick and scream.

But in truth my lips were silent
Hands gripped firmly to the sheets…

As a forceful malevolence enters me
I compel my mind to wandering
An attempt to escape or dare to dream
As if this wasn't happening.
My body and being may be linked
But dreaming is my way of life
For many a moment I'm off away
In a theater acting a hopeless play.
And sadly when my mind returns
On any given day or time
Solemn the tears are parting my eyes
To journey a world that will never be mine.
But this return on this fateful day
Is reminiscent of a life alone
For a malady is upon my being
In a place I tentatively think as home.

As my thoughts return to this space
In which I find myself imprisoned
Profoundly weakened and disgraced
A victim of a sad decision,
I am reminded of others living
Due to faint but sounding footsteps
That echo of simpler world
Where folks are merely about their business.
I listen closely- I hear their stride
Ambling near this fateful setting
A stage I won't be soon forgetting
If they only knew- but I won't confide.
I fear the prints are treading closer
What if they hear the dreadful sound
Of one experiencing a yearning
Another weeping- metaphorically bound.
So easy it'd be for one to enter
A frail wooden door my shelter
It protects a discord from exposure
But also one from being found.
Though if the door should slowly open
And my disgrace then come to light
Would they think of me as worthless
Because I didn't scream or fight.
Then at a mercy should I defend
And claw and strike and kick and scream

But in truth my lips were silent
Hands gripped firmly to the sheets…

As I experience this sickening pain
What others may to feel as pleasure
I hold on heavy with a disdain
For though cruel time will untether
And free this night to an end
To spend an occasion with my friends.
But what if they were here to see me?
What if their mind came to show
The pain and anguish I am feeling
The fear and guilt I've come to know.
Would they move to disrespect me
Those who are here and those on high
The latter looking down upon me
From fateful nights may never hide.
And if they knew that I was silent
A pillow being my only friend
Without the fortitude of fighting-
Toward myself hatred begins.

Is there a god peering down upon me?
Does he perceive my humiliation?
The annihilation of my worth
Has forced me toward this end.
If one is truly the all-knowing
And everything is thus unwritten
This appalling conflict has to cease
For not all on earth may be forgiven…
Is it of my doing that brings me here
Or had the Fates made their decision?
Has every moment in linear time
Placed me sadly in this position?
I simply want to go to sleep
Though I may awake in Hades
I will escape this living hell
And the shame that now pervades me.
Will destiny allow me to perish
And leave this memory behind?

But in truth my lips were silent
Hands gripped firmly to the sheets.
Cause and effect are beyond my vision
And blame sways irrelevantly.
This occurred a certain time ago
Though now it is freshly in my mind
Often evoked by the pain of others
Also victims to humankind.
And as I listen to calls for requital
A payment for a damaged essence
Be it "a life" is beyond my judgment
Though the masses often wish for violence.
But I find a hatred hard to kindle
For we are all living amongst a sickness.
In the deepest depths of my being
I now feel sorrow and forgiveness…

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