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Nothing Could Have Saved Me
by Kennie Kayoz
Copyright 2018 Coyotes Publishing
Smashwords Edition

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Nothing

Nothing could have saved me.
As I lay in bed starring at the ceiling the darkness covers me like a blanket.
I knew that nothing could have saved me.
People have came into my life trying to do just that.

But nobody was successful.
I know in due time I’ll be left with my own thoughts.
More alone time than ever.
Have to figure out what’s right and what’s wrong.

I know I have someone I can talk to.
But I also know that she’s busy.
She’s always lead a very busy life.
It’s not her fault that people go to her.

I’ve always felt lost in this world.
At times I even felt alone, no matter who was around.
Almost like a alien from another planet
Looking for someone who I can communicate with.

They might speak the same language
But they don’t seem to understand what I’m trying to say.
As each day ticks by, almost like a clock one can hear.
I see things getting darker.

I know that nothing can save me.
I’ll be at the mercy of my own thoughts.
My own actions
Of myself

Kennie

Inside My Head

Always disliked being alone.
That’s when I have to listen to the thoughts
The things that go on inside my own mind.
To try and figure out what is good and what is bad.

At times I feel like I was put in a boat and shoved off.
To float around by myself.
Roaming through the vast ocean of people.
But I am a spectacle for the world to see.

Almost like a side show attraction.
My own personal freakshow.
I’m behind glass while a neon sign blinks reading “look at this”
Everyone looks, judges and moves on.

Feeling like nobody cares.
I sit and I move and I try to live my life.
But I can’t do anything more.
I feel completely lost in this world.

I’m about to feel more lost than I have.
Once again alone with my own thoughts
My own actions
Having to figure out my own thoughts.

I have trouble explaining things to people.
I have trouble explaining things to myself.
I don’t think I overly do explain much to myself.
Just go with random thoughts and hope things work out.

I’ve tried many things to see if they were me.
Sometimes I have gone back and try things twice.
Other times I have taken a step back and wonder
Was that what I should have done.

Kennie

Dragged Around

I see myself being dragged around in the near future.
To places where I don’t want to go.
But it’s because others think that’s what I need.
I can see me arguing with them.

Just so that I can be alone.
But when I’m around certain people I have nothing to say.
I hide myself in a shell, they don’t need to know what’s going on.
They wouldn’t understand, I would get too frustrated trying to explain.

Talking at times is the equivalent of solving for X
It’s a difficult thing to do.
My thoughts are difficult to explain.
Even if I write them down, people misinterpret

I might be mid thirties but at times I don’t know if I’ll be around to reach my forties.
Not sure if I could handle myself like that.
I tried anti depressants for about five to six months.
They did nothing, was sent to a psychiatrist.

He didn’t understand anything, that I said.
It didn’t surprise me, certain people you just look at and can tell they’re lost.
Might have been book smart but clearly his knowledge was left in the pages.

Kennie

Thinking I Hear Things

I’ve often thought I have heard things.
While sitting around by myself.
But if I chose to investigate everything I hear.
I would spend most of my time investigating sounds.

Not to mention smells, I’ve often smelt things that others haven’t.
When I questioned people they say “no” and look at me weird.
I wonder why I smell those things when others don’t.
Should I be smelling those things, is my brain working properly.

Sights, at times I think I see things so I do a double take, or triple.
At times I think I see the lights flicker, I ask.
People look at me weird, thinking something must me wrong with me.

Why am I like this, what did I do to deserve being like this.
I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it cause they’ll send me for psych evaluation
What’s next a padded room
Alone with my thoughts again.

Thought about talking to my doctor, not crazy about her.

Kennie

Doctor

I’m not crazy about my doctor
I get the feeling she thinks I’m a drug addict.
Since she chose not to give me stronger meds.
Not sure if it’s a trust thing or not but she chose not to.

She didn’t want to increase my anti depressants strength by much.
She only tried three or four kinds before shipping me off to a psychiatrist
I haven’t been back since.
Haven’t heard from her either.

Think that was her way of trying to find out if something was wrong with me.
Maybe it’s best if I don’t go back.
Never been to a doctor for the longest.
Finally went to one, she seemed nice.

It didn’t last long, made me think about looking for another.
Gave up doing so, just won’t go to a doctor.
My life is in my hands.
That doesn’t make me feel any better.

Kennie

Not My Fault

It’s not my fault that I feel this way.
Everyday I have to find a way to heal this pain.

The dark thoughts have always been apart of my life.
Back in high school I began to cut myself.
I never once thought myself as much of a role model.
Not back then, nor even now.

Never seen myself as a father either, I know the thoughts that go through my head.
I would hate to see a child have these thoughts flow through there mind.
Not sure if they could ever deal with it.
Not sure how I can ever deal with it for so long.

It’s not my fault that I feel this way.
Everyday I have to find a way to heal this pain.

I look for new ways almost every day to heal this pain.
I can’t really remember the last time I was actually happy.
Always been told to stay away from drugs and alcohol
Was never part of my life back in the day, not going to start now.

Where does happiness land, what exactly would put a smile on my face more often.

It’s not my fault that I feel this way.
Everyday I have to find a way to heal this pain.

Kennie

Say Goodbye

If you ever meet me on the street, no matter in passing or not.
Make sure you say goodbye to me.
You might not get a chance again to say hello.
I don’t know where my life is leading right now.

I don’t know if I want to know where my life is leading.
I spend more time in my bed than you’ll understand.
My eyes are usually wet with tears.
Till I hear someone coming then I dry my eyes.

I’m use to having tears run down my face.
Fall to the blankets below me.
I’m use to having stomach aches in bed.
I keep hoping that this would be my final night.

But I keep waking up each morning.
Scratching my head and wondering why.
Not sure why I’m being kept around
It makes me wonder what is in store for me.

Is there a bigger reason, not sure why.
There’s so many others that deserve to have a bigger purpose.

If you ever meet me on the street, no matter in passing or not.
Make sure you say goodbye to me.
You might not get a chance again to say hello.
I don’t know where my life is leading right now.

Kennie

Nothing Could Have Saved Me

I don’t think anything could have saved me
My life was destined to find this road.
Things were destined to go this route
I’m actually surprised it didn’t happen quicker.

Didn’t think anything could have saved me back in high school.
Makes me wonder why I’m still here.
I don’t think I do any good for anyone.
I just am the one who adds stress to everyones life.

Nobody will hire me or look in my direction.
I’m always pushed to the end of the line.
So much so I’ve just sat down cause I’ve given up.
Got no fight left in me.

No reason to do that anymore.
Feel like there’s no reason to argue.
I’m literally just a shell of who I once was.
Just another body to fill a seat.

Easily to be moved and removed.
Easily to be forgotten
Just push me to the back.
I will be a space filler if that’s what you want.

Let me add to your friend count.

Kennie

Nothing More


Not eating like I use to.

Food doesn't seem to have that affect on me.

No longer do I smell and stomach growls.

Been watching more movies than usual

Spending more time in bed.

Under the cover of darkness.

My mind still roams

I still get ideas to write.

The encouragement to do so is fading.

It doesn't bring me the same joy it once did.

The ability to vent my frustrations

It just seems to stay with me even more.

As I continue to spend more time in bed.

Watching movies that I haven't watched in a long time.

At times the tablet isn't even turned on

I just lay letting my mind go blank.

Not having to think about much.

The world moves on without me.

As it should, would never ask anyone to stop it.

Everyone has there own thing that they have.

At times I sit in the darkness

It's what I'm use to.

No matter if eyes open or closed.

Music or not, tablet or not.

I forget what day it is sometimes.

They all kind of drift together.

Continue as they must.

Sometimes I go outside to feel the warmth

Other times I stay in the basement where it's colder and dark.

I use to write a bit on my facebook wall.

That became dangerous, people asked too many questions.

I don't talk to many about what's going on.

In my mind it's safer that way.

No matter what I do

No matter what I say

I will always be

Nothing more

Kennie

Almost Time


It's almost time to start my marathon

Of movies as I lay in bed surrounded by darkness

Hiding from the world as it turns

Bothers me ? it does not.

Allowing my mind to go numb while I watch

Things that I use to.

As my eyes drift close

My mind becomes at peace when I sleep.

Waking up after a few hours.

I might get up, to join the rest of the world

Or do I change the movie up.

Will be a spontaneous decision.

More than likely changing up to another movie

Waiting to see what's next that I find

To stare at blankly

Allowing for me to not pay attention to.

Almost like my mind isn't even here anymore

My eyes look like static as nothing can be seen

Been told in the past that my eyes were sad

I believe they are now balls of static looking at the world.

Not sure if they show emotion.

Not sure what they show

People tell me life is convoluted

Perhaps I'm too simplistic for life

Never been one to understand much.

Can explain it to me several times

But my mind has yet to get it.

Brain drifts in and out of different thoughts

I don't think I even understand what comes out of my mouth

Trouble pronouncing words that should be easy.

It takes me three to four times

Then I might just give up cause I feel lazy

You can easily see me struggle at times

But yet at times I try to continue things

Other times I'm just better off just to forget

I struggle with the simplest

Complex I don't even try

Kennie


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